I Never Liked Flying - Part I
I never liked flying that much. With the running around to doctors and pharmacies that I have to do just to fly, well... it's usually just not worth it. But today is a special exception. Today I fly out to meet someone that I have only spoken to via the net and e-mail. I am not easily excitable either, but as I sit here watching the clouds go by I can feel my heart pounding. Will he like what he sees? I guess I will just have to wait it out and look into his eyes to know for sure. One can only hope.
It started many months ago. One of those on again, off again kinda things. Me just out of a heart wrenching break up and he... well, he had his own problems. Mostly with him it was a matter of wanting to rescue me, but being a white knight does not a relationship make. After a few weeks he decided to just "disappear" for his and mine. At first I didn't understand but after a while it was easier on the ego.
A few months went by and I suddenly needed to know his exact reasons. I also needed to tell him that I missed his friendship. So, with a few instant messages and e-mails I finally got through. He was still not comfortable with "us" in an intimate relationship. As much as he wanted me and vice versa, in the back of his mind his conscience kept telling him it could never work. We were too different. Our lives were too far apart mentally and physically for it to ever work. I got the "I am sorry" and away he went again.
I don't know, maybe I am too stubborn to give up... I gave him his needed space, but he was never out of my mind for long. Occasionally I would send a joke or a message just to let him know I was still thinking of him. Weeks, then months went by without a word. I just couldn't let it end that way. I had to try again. Maybe a higher authority was telling me this was not the way it was supposed to be. I knew in my heart that I could not go the rest of my life thinking that I had just given up. He was just too special to never talk to again.
I finally sat down and wrote one of those "why?" e-mails. Told him what a special person he was to me... all the things that I held in for all those months that needed to be said. 'Lo and behold... a day later I heard from him! I got through! I almost fell out of my chair when the "hello" came up from him on my chat window. My heart started pounding just as it is now. We talked a bit and he told me a story that, well... I won't go into the details but it made my heart soar. He missed me! That part was the only part I saw and heard in my mind. The rest is sort of a blur. Oh, now don't get me wrong, the story he told I will never forget, but the only part that mattered is what blazed in my mind. He missed ME!
It is now many months later and here I sit in the hated airplane, thousands of feet in the air. My knuckles are white from fear. Not only from the flight, but also from fear of rejection in those beautiful eyes of his. As I said before, I guess I will just have to wait and see. Having an open-ended return ticket helps if it just doesn't work out. I can stay a day or week depending. Courage is what I need right now; you know... the liquid kind. I spot the attendant and ask for a Jack and Coke. She smiles and returns minutes later with one of those miniature bottles of Jack, an unopened Coke can and a plastic cup. Later I fall off daydreaming of a candlelight dinner and dancing in front of a roaring fire, totally relaxed.
It started many months ago. One of those on again, off again kinda things. Me just out of a heart wrenching break up and he... well, he had his own problems. Mostly with him it was a matter of wanting to rescue me, but being a white knight does not a relationship make. After a few weeks he decided to just "disappear" for his and mine. At first I didn't understand but after a while it was easier on the ego.
A few months went by and I suddenly needed to know his exact reasons. I also needed to tell him that I missed his friendship. So, with a few instant messages and e-mails I finally got through. He was still not comfortable with "us" in an intimate relationship. As much as he wanted me and vice versa, in the back of his mind his conscience kept telling him it could never work. We were too different. Our lives were too far apart mentally and physically for it to ever work. I got the "I am sorry" and away he went again.
I don't know, maybe I am too stubborn to give up... I gave him his needed space, but he was never out of my mind for long. Occasionally I would send a joke or a message just to let him know I was still thinking of him. Weeks, then months went by without a word. I just couldn't let it end that way. I had to try again. Maybe a higher authority was telling me this was not the way it was supposed to be. I knew in my heart that I could not go the rest of my life thinking that I had just given up. He was just too special to never talk to again.
I finally sat down and wrote one of those "why?" e-mails. Told him what a special person he was to me... all the things that I held in for all those months that needed to be said. 'Lo and behold... a day later I heard from him! I got through! I almost fell out of my chair when the "hello" came up from him on my chat window. My heart started pounding just as it is now. We talked a bit and he told me a story that, well... I won't go into the details but it made my heart soar. He missed me! That part was the only part I saw and heard in my mind. The rest is sort of a blur. Oh, now don't get me wrong, the story he told I will never forget, but the only part that mattered is what blazed in my mind. He missed ME!
It is now many months later and here I sit in the hated airplane, thousands of feet in the air. My knuckles are white from fear. Not only from the flight, but also from fear of rejection in those beautiful eyes of his. As I said before, I guess I will just have to wait and see. Having an open-ended return ticket helps if it just doesn't work out. I can stay a day or week depending. Courage is what I need right now; you know... the liquid kind. I spot the attendant and ask for a Jack and Coke. She smiles and returns minutes later with one of those miniature bottles of Jack, an unopened Coke can and a plastic cup. Later I fall off daydreaming of a candlelight dinner and dancing in front of a roaring fire, totally relaxed.
posted by phoenix | 10:41 PM
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